Knowing your attraction style can help you to play to your strengths when dating.
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What would you do if you had to go on the same date 1,000 times?
That’s the question played with in the classic 1993 film, starring Bill Murray as ‘Phil’.
Aside from being a hilarious exploration of time travel, Groundhog Day captures the essence of what it takes to attract the woman of your dreams.
We can break Phil’s attempts to woo his lady, Rita (played by Andie MacDowell), into 4 stages.
In the initial dozen or so loops through Groundhog Day, Phil is a narcissistic weatherman who wildy overestimates his charm and attractiveness.
He’s judgemental and cruel, lacking in curiosity about those around him, and selfish.
So isolated that he doesn’t even expect to get any good responses from women, he pretty much avoids them.
Until, that is, he sets his eye upon an attractive women – Nancy.
Phil evolves a little game at this point, and decides to start dating. However, his strategy is manipulation.
One day, on his way past Nancy, he asks her ‘Where did you go to school?’ ‘What was your art teacher’s name?’
In the following days he then pretends to know her from high-school, and uses his job as a weatherman to impress her and seduce her into bed. Dodgy!
He tries the same tactics on Rita, learning every little thing about her and scripting his dates down to the snowballs, yet each date ends with a slap as Rita realises that she’s being played.
This is a classic pick-up artist strategy – get used to rejection, and try the lines on another girl at another bar.
But as much fun as Rita had throwing snowballs, she wasn’t having any of it.
Once Phil realises that he’s not going to win Rita this way, he gives up.
He becomes very depressed, and finds every way in town to break the law and end his suffering.
One day, on a whim, he reveals to Rita that he knows everything that is going to happen that day, and he’s a ‘God.’
Intrigued, she decides to keep him company (to his surprise), and he starts openly revealing all of his true feelings to her.
She empathises with his torturous condition and keeps him company until the morning – however, out of curiosity, not attraction.
When Phil asks Rita who is her perfect man, she answers:
“First of all, he’s too humble to know he’s perfect. He’s intelligent, supportive, funny… He’s romantic and courageous.
“He’s got a good body but he doesn’t have to look in the mirror every two minutes. He’s kind and sensitive and gentle, he’s not afraid to cry in front of me…
“He likes animals and children and he’ll change poopy diapers… Oh, and he plays an instrument, and he loves his mother.”
It sounds like a lot – and it’s certainly nothing like the Phil at the start of the movie.
But, time and suffering can have a very motivating impact on men.
By the end of the film, Phil has become kind and gregarious, helping everyone in town.
He transforms the Groundhog ceremony itself into a special moment, touching everybody there with his profound sentiments.
He’s very warm to Rita each time he sees her, and lets her know she’s special.
But, when she suggests grabbing coffee, Phil says “I’d love to, but I first have some errands to run.”
Rather than chasing her, he leads her. Rather than seducing her, she is seduced by the impact he has had on the people around them.
When Rita walks into the ballroom at the end of the night and sees Phil crushing it onstage with the band, she can’t believe how much more depth there was to him that she had initially thought.
This is what leads Rita to bid everything she has in her wallet and ‘purchase’ him for the night.
But rather than trying to hit on her then, he shows her another thoughtful gift – an ice sculpture based on the contours of her face.
She is enraptured by this creative, effective, kind man, and feels safe enough with him to stay the night. Then, they wake up together the next morning.
“I Can’t Believe It’s Tomorrow!”
This, of course, is the point of the whole movie.
For some reason the time gods wanted Phil to learn the error of his ways, to break him into tiny pieces and for him to rebuild himself into a superior version of himself.
We don’t get the opportunity to relive the same date again and again, but we can still learn from this story.
The tyrant, the player and the boy all fail when it comes to building sustainable attraction.
Only by incorporating the various parts of ourselves, and allowing ourselves to become more kind, curious, vulnerable, effective, safe, warm, trustworthy, and consistent, can we reliably increase our attractiveness.
This is what Dating for Love is all about, and if you’d like to learn more check out The Winning Hand course for men.
Understanding your dating strategy takes you closer to truly understanding the dynamics of attraction, improving your relationship skills, and expanding your opportunities to find a great partner!
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