There’s a common complaint we hear during date reviews with some of our clients…

It goes something like this:

“They were quite an interesting person, the date was fun and we both had a great time… 

“…but there was just no spark.”

Now we don’t know about you – but that sounds like a promising first date, and it seems a shame a followup date didn’t take place.

Often when people talk about feeling the ‘spark,’ they’re describing a physical feeling – like butterflies in their tummy or even love at first sight.

But people fall in love without sparks all the time – at least not at first.

The truth is that ‘chemistry’ is no match for compatibility – and this takes time to discover.

This is why it’s important not to judge a first date on whether there was a spark or not.

Often, when there is a big spark immediately it can actually be a concerning thing.

For starters, a big spark can quickly blow out after the fireworks, because there was no deeper connection to fuel the flame.

You may have experienced this before, when a hot new fling suddenly went sour.

What’s more, if you felt the spark because the other person was incredibly attractive and charming, it’s possible that they are really, really good at making sparks fly.

In this case, it’s likely that they have this effect on many people – and they know their power.

It’s worth mentioning that there is a proven correlation between being super attractive and having narcissistic traits, and these people tend to throw sparks where-ever they go.

Yet, they don’t tend to make great partners.

Remember, it takes more than a spark to make a great relationship.

Think of building a relationship like starting a warming, steadily burning flame.

Each time one of you is curious and attentive towards the other person, you’re putting a stick on the pile.

When you’re sharing something vulnerable about yourself and the other person is along for the ride, you’re placing down a log.

You bring the spark each time you’re having fun and making each other laugh, or offering genuinely thoughtful compliments or gifts, or being open about what you desire and playing with warmth and tension.

In other words, you can build the spark over time. So first, focus on laying down some fuel.